TWINUT
by JerinHugs
Summary: This story was kindof a joke so don't go mad, it's basically the cullens and Jacob turning into peanuts and bella retrieving advice from world famous chefs... hehe.
1. going nuts!

TWI-NUT

Chapter one

Bella went to visit Jake, her old friend, for the very last time. Because she was now a vampire (and everyone knows vampires only make out with peanuts or other vampires) she could no longer befriend Jacob.

She entered Jacobs room to find him in a hard peanut shell, she then heard him boom

"give me a chance bella im fair-trade!"

Bella replied,

"JAKE WHY HAVE YOU TURNED INTO A GIANT PEANUT!"

Jacob looked into Bella's eyes and said

"please, my werewolf transformation was a false alarm, I am a shapeshifter, but I shift into nutty mode…"

Bella buried her head in her hands and said,

"Jake you know I love peanuts, but only… IF YOUR SALTED!"

Jake beemed with joy and replied,

"OH BELLA, I… AM… SALTEDDDD!"

at that moment, Edward flew in through the window and yelled,

"BELLA! I heard you're planning on giving this fat peanut a chance, what about us? What about our baby that nearly killed you and our wedding which I forced you into…. WHAT ABOUT THE LOOOOOOOOOOOVE?"

"EDWARD", bella replied, "I've always had a thing for salted peanuts…."

"I cant believe I'm losing you to a peanut-"

Jacob butted in saying,

"NOT JUST A PEANUT THE SALTED PEANUT OF HER DREAMS!"

Edward was furious, so furious that the blood inside his dead veins roasted turning him into….

A ROASTED PEANUT!

**sorry its so short, we thought it would be funny, so tell us your veiws...**

**REVEIW PLEASE!**


	2. rise of the roasted!

TWI-NUT

Chapter two

"Edward… I can't believe it! I'm so confused! What can I do!" Cried Bella.

"ill tell you what you can do…. Choose the sexiest roasted nut of Cullen history! Not the overly salted peanut over there. I bet he still tastes like dog"

Sneered Edward.

"for your information im the most lightly salted giant peanut ever to hit the world! I started off raw then dipped in boiling water. Then dusted in salt and left to sizzle in the sun light…. Which you cant take Mr vam-peanut!"

Jacob remarked, Edwards roasted shell started fuming and he shouted,

"WELL I BET YOUR STUPIDLY SALTY PEANUT FRIENDS WERE NEVER USED BY GORDON RAMSEY IN A PEANUT PIE?"

"whatever, marco pier white uses my kind. He's the best chef ever."

Just then Carlisle walked in saying,

"attention peanut guys! It turns out we haven't killed Victoria, she's back, and is said to seek her revenge on all of us!"

Suddenly Emmett stomped in, everyone stopped and stared at the hunormous chocolate peanut standing in the hallway.

"Guys, Victoria has cursed us by turning all of Bella's male-mates into Peanuts! OH, and anyway chocolate peanuts are, like, NUTELLA SO YOU GUYS LOSE!"

Emmett pointed out,

"why only the guys?", questioned Edward, "that girl had some SERIOUS male issues…."

Jacob sighed,

"does this mean we have to team up yet again to stop Victoria? Im getting tired of this vamp-wolf-nut connection, plus this time Edward had crossed the line so I'd rather go my own way."

"Jacob" Carlisle "Bella needs you all, you cant just your back on her like we just did!"

Everyone turned towards Bella… Who wasn't there!

Bella had decided to search the world and seek advice from the most skilled chefs about which peanut is truly the tastiest!

**I know it's short but we'll try and make the next one longer…**

**Please just read & review, PLEASE!**


	3. trainriding!

Chapter3

Bella legged it home and flung all her clothes and toiletries into a suitcase. She ran down the stairs but she saw a shadow.

Bella stopped in her tracks and watched the shadow circle her… who was it? The silhouette was human, so it wasn't Edward. Or Jacob. Or Emmett. WAS IT VICTORIA?

"Bella" Suddenly Charlie her dad steeped into the light.

Bella sighed a sigh of relief as he dad carried on…

"Where are you going, what are you doing with this case, I'm NOT a good father am I? This is the 2nd time you've left-"

"DAD! This is nothing to do with you, if I told you you'd think I'm bonkers… I have to go…"

Charlie looked at the floor as Bella hugged him goodbye.

"One last question" Charlie said "why ARE you leaving?"

Bella shrugged and laughed,

"The 2 lovers of my dreams have turn into giant peanuts and I have to seek advice from famous chefs!"

There was an awkward silence and Bella ran out the door…

Bella arrived at the underground and checked her map…

'1st stop, Nigella Lawson…' she thought to herself.

The train was a long ride, long enough for Bella to fall asleep. Suddenly she found herself lying on a sofa in the Blacks resident.

Victoria was leaning over her heavily breathing…

"JAKE?" Bella cried "EDWARD?"

"honey, don't worry your peanuts are coming" Victoria said softly,

she was stroking bellas head, whilst watching 2 humungous peanuts walk in.

Bella shot up and cried "HELP, HELLLPPPP!"

'what could be worse than a woman wanting to kill me stroking my head and my supposedly heroes doing nothing about it!' she thought.

"ARE YOU OK?" she heard someone say, Bella opened her eyes obviously confused.

The woman said "phew, you screaming like hell, do you have problems?"

"WHAT?" Bella answered,

"ummm, you were talking about giant peanuts and how you love them…."

Bella's mouth gaped open and she rushed off the train to get to her 1st destination…

**I'm not sure what to happen next… ideas?**

**R&R please!**


	4. Ow my eye

Chapter 4

Bella's hair flew out behind her as she ran. A few tepid rain drops fell from the sky, dripping down her freckled nose. She sneezed and a few flecks of mucus shot through the air. Her mind returned to the night when her lovers popped into peanuts. It was the night when everything changed. Before she was just a normal vampire luvvin' gal with a slight thing for hairy guys. She never smiled. Her natural facial expression resembled that of slapped butt.

"BELLA".

Bella turned to find the sound. She saw a figure emerging from the shadows. OMG is it Victoria? Bella's heart thumped. She pulled out a giant bread knife. She saw the dark figure approaching. She pooped her pants with fear. Without thinking, she turned her body and swiped at the silhouette. After a few waves with the knife she finally plunged the weapon with all her strength right into Victoria's eye socket. Pride filled her soul and mind and stuff. SHE ALMOST SMILED, but thank goodness she didn't because then the world would implode. A nearby street light suddenly flickered on, revealing the bloody character on the floor.

But it wasn't Victoria.

"NIGELLA", Bella screamed, feeling a instant rush of guilt pulse through her veins like venom.

Nigella held a hand up to her eye socket. She felt the empty eye hole.

"WHERE'S MY EYE", she screamed, blood pouring down her face into her mouth.

She licked her lips, "actually, this blood would go delightfully with the lasagne I baked last night!"

Then Nigellla's pain grew and her life slowly slipped away.

"Bella"

Bella scooped her up like ice cream in her noodle like arms and held her tight.

Nigella whimpered her final words, "choose the roasted peanut…"

The glimmer of life in Nigella's ONE eye left and Bella hoisted her up and lobbed her into a nearby bush.

**REVIEW XO**


	5. RamZ means Ramzee

Chapter 5 (ramZ pronounced Ramzee)

Bella fled from the scene, her hands covered in Nigella's blood and eye goo. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She had all of Nigella's cook books, and now she knew Nigella could never publish another one. She had to fart Nigella's death out of her mind. Her next stop; Gordon Ramsay's house.

The train ride was boring and long, like chapter 3. She knew where he lived as she had google mapped it. But also she had spent many nights sitting in his garden, waiting for a peek at his steaming buns, fresh from the oven. She was a ramZ fangirl.

She walked up the long pathway that lead to RamZ's front door. She rang the door bell.

RamZ opened the door and munched on a hotdog.

"Yes?" wondering why there was a moody, pubescent, obsessed, greasy, weird smelling, dopey eyed, Susan Boyle look-a-like fangirl at his door.

Bella attempted to keep her cool. She started to sweat. She began drooling and a moist droplet of saliva plopped onto his hotdog.

"gross you mother ducker", RamZ swore.

Bella blushed and felt her eyes began to fill with tears.

"I just wanted some nutty advice dawg", she stuttered.

"I KNOW", RamZ yelled. Of course he knew, Bella thought, RamZ was the king.

He opened the door until it was full open, beckoning her to enter his domain.

Bella waddled in (she IS a mother ducker :O). She looked around his house. RamZ's walls were decorated with pots and pans. She was so nervous to be in the presence of such a godly man that she had a nervous bladder.

"Which way to the loo babycakes?" Bella said, cringing at her last word. She was so overwhelmed by all that had happened that she seemed to not be thinking before she spoke.

RamZ pointed to a pale pink door.

"Pee in there", he said.

Bella opened the door, turned the light on and locked it (she didn't want RamZ to accidentally walk in and see her peeing).

She turned her head and BAM, Jacob's face was in hers. She jumped and poked it's neck. The cardboard cut out toppled over revealing a pink shrine covered with millions of team Jacob stickers and posters surrounding a toilet. She peed and flushed, suddenly the toilet said, "team j for the win". Bella, stunned, exited the lair.

RamZ smirked, "how did you like the automated flush voice?"

"It was…" Bella backed away.

"Don't be scared, I'm a Jacob enthusiast. He's clearly the best choice. His peanutty skin is so warm and soft, unlike Edward who's cold heart will take over you and leave you a bitter old woman".

Bella ran out of the front door, pushing RamZ onto the floor.

"MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE" he screamed, but Bella was already gone.

Woah what a creep.


End file.
